•  If you can keep your head whilst all around people are loosing theirs, then you obviously don't understand the situation.
• Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
• If you give the laziest man the hardest job he will work the hardest to find the easiest way to do it.
• Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you're a vegetarian.
• Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
• You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, and that has long been sufficient for any government.
• By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.
• A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
• Marriage is not a word but a sentence.
• An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have: The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
• A communist is someone who has nothing and wishes to share it with the world.
• From the moment I picked up this book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend to read it.
• The road to success is always under construction.
• There are only two kinds of money in the world: your money and my money.
• Man is the only creature who refuses to be what he is.
• Man is the only animal that goes to sleep when he's not sleepy and gets up when he is tired.
• One who asks a question is a fool for five minutes; one who does not ask a question remains a fool forever.
• Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.
• How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
• Birthdays are good for you, the more you have, the longer you live.
• A loose tongue can tie you in knots.
• It’s nice to be important, but it’s more important to be nice.

Man/Woman

• A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
• To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
• Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
• A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
• Men marry because they are tired. Women marry because they are curious. Both are disappointed.
• A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her. A man cherishes the memory of the woman who he didn't marry.
• There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.